Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
