chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
