you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
