why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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