maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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