Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
