I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
