Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
