Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
