shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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