When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
