It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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