I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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