I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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