I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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