I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm both gender and math confused
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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