he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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