Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
