I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
