I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
