someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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