Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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