I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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