so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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