what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
