So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
