i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
