textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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