Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
