NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
