blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
