I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
