yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
