So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
