He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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