You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
