I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
