the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
