Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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