You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
