are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
