nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
