after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm too high and old for this...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
