he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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