My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
They took my balls.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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