Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
