Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
