I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
