this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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