Don't make out with my wife yet
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
