Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
