Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
